I took a drama class in my freshman year of college. I didn't like the professor at all (he was the type that made us shell out big bucks to buy the book he wrote,) which was very disappointing because I had adored drama class and drama club in high school. But this professor did say one thing that has stuck with me - he told us to imagine bad news (I forget the context of this) and he told us that it is not a matter of if, but of when, because there will be a day that that phone call comes or that hand knocks on the door. That day hasn't happened for me yet. I am extraordinarily lucky to have made it into my 30s relatively unscarred by loss. Truth be told, losing my pets has been harder for me than the loss of any person thus far in my life. My grandparents and great-grandparents were all elderly when they passed away, and we as a family have not suffered the tragedy of a human life cut far too short since my aunt's husband passed away too young from cancer in 1990.
My circle of peers has been remarkably lucky as well. The drunk driving deaths, overdoses and KIAs that shorten the lives of so many in their teens and twenties had spared my nearest and dearest, and nearly all of their nearest and dearest as well.
My lack of experience with these sorts of losses may be why the death of a high school classmate in October has haunted me since I heard the news. It was a complete shock, but then again it wasn't. My dear friend Isis was the one who told me, and she had also mentioned a few years ago that she had seen MJ and he didn't seem to be doing well. He "friended" me on Facebook awhile ago (Four years? Five? Not recently, I know that) and I looked through his pictures and superficially noted that he was still cute. But in more recent years, his behavior on Facebook seemed a bit off - he took down his profile picture, he changed his name to pseudonyms and listed a wildly inaccurate birthdate. Combined with Isis' account of the last time she'd seen him, I thought he might be depressed or something along those lines. This didn't gel with how MJ had presented himself in high school. He was laid back, he was a good musician, he was definitely one of the more normal people in Drama Club. Drama Club attracts a lot of strange types, but MJ wasn't one of them.
MJ will always be a part of my memories of the last days of high school. During one of our senior events, he sang a song that he dedicated to all of the "beautiful senior women." I thought that was awesome. So I was predisposed to have warm feelings towards him graduation night. My friend and drinking buddy JJ and I had taken a temporary hiatus from the all-night party to walk to his car and imbibe from the bottle of gin he had stashed there. The alcohol was gin, but the open secret of teenage drinking underneath the moon on a warm suburban night made it feel more like moonshine.
JJ and I were not the only newly minted high graduates wandering the streets by the lake the night of graduation. MJ had joined us at the trunk of the car at some point and suddenly we were kissing. I don't think we even said any words to each other, just jumped right into it. JJ left when he could see that this was going to take awhile, and the kissing turned into a full-fledged make-out session. It was fun, it was sweet, it was very high school. When it was over, I didn't think much about it. I didn't sleep around in high school but I loved to make out with pretty much any boy I thought was cute, and the night with MJ barely made a blip on my radar, as I had other entanglements with other boys that involved a lot more drama. I ran into MJ a few days later at the dairy bar (yes, my hometown has a dairy bar and it's extremely popular) and we had a slightly awkward conversation. Shortly afterwards, his family moved to upstate New York and I can't recall if I ever saw him again.
Since I learned of his death, which I strongly suspect to be a suicide, that night has replayed in my head a thousand times. It might be the eerie similarity to the very beginning of my relationship with Jack. A kiss outside in the dark during summer break, once again imbibing strong liquor provided by JJ, with a cute blond hair blue eyed guy from the Class of 1999. It was only three years later, but I was different. I had lost the combination of innocence and swagger that defined those graduation-era times. In 1999, the last thing I was looking for was a boyfriend. By the summer of 2002, I was deeply craving the intimacy and companionship of a relationship. Jack is also a member of my graduating class. Had we hooked up any earlier, I doubt either of us would have pursued a relationship, no matter how great a kisser I am.
So what if the tables had been turned? What if Jack was the one who had appeared at JJ's car on the night of graduation and engaged me in a 45-minute kiss? I definitely would have gone for it, I thought Jack was irresistible in an aloof sort of way. And what if MJ had been the one to crash a party at JJ's house 3 years later? Would we have attempted a relationship after an intoxicated make-out session? Would he still have developed a mental illness I now believe is more along the lines of schizophrenia than depression? Would he have taken his own life? Would I be a widow, or could I have saved him somehow?
It feels wrong that he is gone. Just wrong.
